A recent incident at work caught my attention. A senior employee went up to her junior’s desk and pulled his ear for some mistake he might have made. At first, I thought it must be friendly banter; maybe they shared that kind of bond. But as I looked more closely, their body language told a different story. The junior was squirming uncomfortably, and the senior had no trace of humour on her face. She was scolding him like a teacher scolds a child, loud enough for everyone nearby to hear. And he endured it silently with his head hung low. I looked around, everyone was silently watching the event unfold, strangely accepting such behaviour as normal. At least some higher authority could have stepped in and set things straight. But it seemed like no one cared, or they believed the treatment was justifiable.
I could feel the junior’s discomfort and embarrassment because I used to feel the same way while dealing with similar situations in the past. His silence felt familiar, I could guess the reason behind it. For most of us, staying silent appears less confrontational. Confrontations can lead to conflict; silence feels safer, and it does the work – temporarily. But I believe that eventually, it gives rise to unrest and resentment.
We start villainising our bosses in our minds, venting out our frustration to friends and family. Once, while venting thus to a friend, he asked me an important question: “Why are you tolerating this behaviour?” That made me pause and reflect on what was holding me back. I realised that I was afraid to speak up, having never done that before.
In the epic tale of the Mahabharata, when Arjuna hesitates to fight against his own kin, Krishna reminds him that refusing to act against injustice is itself a form of injustice. Because when we tolerate injustice, we indirectly encourage it. At the workplace—or generally—setting boundaries, conveyed ever so politely, does make a difference. I agree it’s easier said than done. Voices can break, tears can flow, and if you’re anything like me, fear will take over every cell in your body, but you know what, that’s when courage gets a chance to shine through.
Courage isn’t born from confidence. It’s born in such moments—when your voice trembles with fear, when your heart hammers in your ears—and yet you face your fears with conviction. It can bring about a quiet sense of calm confidence because it is in that moment that you stop abandoning yourself and finally stand up for yourself.
This principle equally applies to personal relationships. We’ve all experienced swallowing our hurt to avoid an argument, convincing ourselves it’s not worth the trouble. But how long can we bury our feelings? Unless we tell the other person that their words or behaviour are hurting us, how would they know? They may not think that their behaviour is hurtful, but what may be acceptable for them does not necessarily have to be acceptable for you too. And yet what is it that we usually end up doing when we’re hurt? Instead of taking time to cool down, reflect, and calmly convey what we truly feel, we end up hurting those who hurt us. And the game goes on, and resentment keeps building.
By speaking up, you’re not just helping yourself; you’re in fact helping the other person to realise the need to be more empathetic. They may not really appreciate the negative impact their behaviour is having on you, and frankly, if you don’t speak up, they will never ever know. So, it’s not just about you, it’s about working to make the relationship better. Of course, it works both ways – it’s crucial to respect other people’s boundaries too.
If someone tells us that they’re hurt or uncomfortable with our words or actions, it’s upon us to rise to the occasion to do better. The onus to apologise and bring positive changes to our lives is on us. Setting boundaries in no way means we shut ourselves off to constructive feedback. But we understand that such feedback comes from a place of helping us to be better and not making us feel bad about ourselves.
Someone may or may not agree with our boundaries; that’s upon them. What’s up to us is to establish them. Unless we speak up for ourselves, why would anyone else? And why should we need someone else to fight our battles? Aren’t we capable and accountable for ourselves? Next time we’re spoken down to, let’s do something about it. If we’re afraid of the dire consequences that may entail, especially at our workplace, we can find alternative ways to address them.
This is where HR policies come in. Such policies should take into consideration the impact that such behaviour has on employees’ mental health. Like the POSH Act, which safeguards women employees from sexual harassment at the workplace, organisations need internal frameworks to address subtler forms of abuse. Psychological and emotional abuse often goes unnoticed because it leaves no visible scars and is also difficult to talk about. But the scars they leave on an employee’s confidence, mental health and overall well-being, can be profound.
For instance, a fresher who witnesses such abusive behaviour in their first job may just accept it to be the norm. Their confidence may be bruised before it gets a chance to take flight. For avoiding such mishaps, HR should clearly outline what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t, along with ways to address unacceptable behaviour. An effective and approachable grievance redressal mechanism, suitably empowered to address these issues, would be of great help.
The redressal mechanism should ensure that employees feel safe to speak up. A fair and unbiased approach must be followed by the management in resolving such issues, with a focus on learning and accountability rather than blame. Regular refresher trainings should be conducted by HR to help drive the message across. While the policies can’t be set in stone, their intent and focus should be aligned with the organisation’s most important asset – its people and their well-being.
At the end of the day, what matters most is self-belief. We cannot let anyone take that away from us. If nothing else works, we need to step up for ourselves even through the doubts and fears until we realise that we are not victims; we are victors.
About CA Kenali Shah:
Kenali is a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of India and a commerce graduate from Narsee Monjee college, Mumbai. She has recently stepped into the world of storytelling and is deeply grateful to share something so close to her heart. She is always open to exploring, learning and growing with life.
She can be reached at kenalishah@yahoo.com
